We Need To Tell More Alternative Facts

Here at The Dirt Mouth, we believe in telling the truth. We believe in cutting through the abyss of majority-driven garbage that is the world of news, and we aim to provide our millions of readers with an outlook they can trust, and information they can use.

That’s why today, we’re here to tell you more about alternative facts, and how they can change your life- for the better.

Are you tired of waking up to the same old job and the same old routine? Tired of feeling inadequate maybe even to the point where you’ve developed self esteem issues?

Alternative facts can fix that.

Have you ever spent all your money on recreational drugs and alcohol? Cheated on your partner? Maybe you’re a disappointment to your family, friends, and landlord!

Alternative facts can fix that too. How you ask? Well it’s simple really. Children, politicians, and even writers of science fiction and fantasy have been doing it for years. Whenever you make a mistake, or realize you don’t like something about yourself, your life, or the world around you, just apply an alternative fact, and ta-da! The problem is gone. You can be whoever you want, living whatever sort of life you want, as long as you don’t forget the most important part- tell EVERYONE about your new alternative fact. And believe us, they’ll love it because its showing that you’re not just settling for the same old, day by day, rain gutter garbage life that everyone else seems to be stuck in. You’re making an effort to change your life for the better- who could be against that?

Studies show that by age ten, children have spent more than half their lives creating and telling alternative facts. Now by age ten, a child has cried his or her fair share, and by no means are we saying that childhood automatically means bliss, but humor us for a moment. Take a breath, close your eyes. Try and remember what sort of problems you faced before the age of ten. The amount of time you spent laughing. And playing. It’s a good memory isn’t it? With alternative facts, you can have that simplified life back. You can cry when you scuff your knees, eat what you please, play all day and sleep all night. Could you imagine the improvement to your mental health? No more worrying about bills or mortgages, spouses or debts. Just you and the world around you, exactly as you  want it to be.

But wait a second, you say. What if I’m the only one telling alternative facts? Won’t people just say that I’m lying? What if my alternative facts break laws- I’ll end up in jail!

Fear not, you brave reality-bender you. More and more people are taking the plunge and choosing to use alternative facts to fix their problems. By joining the rest of the movement, you’re not only helping to ensure your alternative facts will be taken at face value, you’re also helping those before you! Trust us when we say this is a game better played when everyone is playing.

So here’s to the lives we’ve always wanted, minus reality, and minus the truth.

Enjoy!

 

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